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Friday, January 28, 2011


By Felix Okaka
I am happy to note that when I finished primary school, I never dreamt of being either a neurosurgeon or an aeronautical engineer. It was actually during a boring agriculture lesson back in high school that I dreamt of being a lawyer (note ‘agriculture’). Unfortunately the Joint Admissions Board thought I should join the Bsc. Information Science program. I have not yet seen the Science in Information but that is a topic for another day.
This is meant for you at the dusk of the 8-4-4 system .Please note that I am not talking about those who subscribed to the wrong education tariff i.e. 8-4-5 and 8-4-6 for our engineers and doctors respectively. Please refer to the terms and conditions if there are any because I believe you were shortchanged. However, you only have yourselves to blame. You are the ones that filled our national dailies with your names when the KCSE results came out only to find yourselves reading even more in campus.
As for the slightly above average students, we were licensed to join campus and spend 12 out of our 16 weeks of our academic semester learning how to consume Napoleon; the closest bottled up relative to chang’aa. I’d imagine a combination of the two would sum up to an incestuous concoction. We also took the time to prove that with a “Yes We Can” attitude we can cohabit on a 2 by 6 ft bed in Hostel K and Yes We Can.
After a grueling 16 year career in Studenthood, coupled with last minute reading for exams, at last we have a chance to apply our knowledge and skills in the KTN (Kenya Tarmacking Network); the biggest unemployment firm in Kenya. Skills acquired include the writing of application letters. After consulting my almost blank BLL 116 (Art of Writing) book.
Dear Sir/Madam
I am a very observant student. This is evidenced by my ability to watch 60 out of 64 games that graced our screens during the World Cup and my ability to observe that Romina does not deserve Emiliano but Paloma does.
I work with minimal supervision and most importantly work best under pressure. This is evidenced by my ability to summarize all my coursework in illegible and microscopic form-otherwise known as mwakenya or mwax and still manage to refer to ‘my notes’ during the exams without batting an eyelid regardless of the presence or absence of an invigilator.
My lecturer assured me that I would become a manager in your firm and for emphasis I would again state A MANAGER IN YOUR FIRM. I am looking forward to filling that position. After all, when and yes only when, I happen to go abroad (including to Uganda) for further studies it is rumored that I, as a Kenyan Student, would rank among the best students effortlessly.
Attached is my CV which is justifiably blank due to reasons explained above. To juggle your memory I would say “It’s Time for Africa” vis-à-vis “Afro Cinema continues shortly” and embarrassingly “El Cuerpo Del Deseo” occupied large chunks of my holiday. I hereby take this opportunity to pose the questions, “Kwani what are holidays for? You mean you wanted me to do something constructive?”
I am waiting for a reply and hoping it does not take as long as the Second Coming of Ocampo.
Yours Expectantly,
8-4-4 Graduate.